{empire of the sun – walking on a dream}

been tossing and turning in bed for a little bit now, so i figured i’d flip on the light and write a little bit.

i’m going to china this fall and i’m terrified.  some days i think about how fabulous it’s gonna be journaling from some cute hutong cafe where eastern and western cultures collide.  and then nights like these i imagine myself trying to combat loneliness in a sterile apartment, the only sound accompanying me being the buzzing of fluorescent lights above. some imagination, huh?  i think of these things only because i’ve lived both sides, and it can be both wonderfully exciting and downright depressing.

i shared with a few people that i’m facing my worst fear—of being alone—by going on this trip.  people are often surprised that someone who loves to travel as much as i do would struggle with this.  i mean, i don’t think people generally love being alone all the time, but i genuinely fear it.  and no, i can’t even say that i’m doing anything as noble as trying to overcome it.  the truth is that i just deal with it because i couldn’t imagine the alternative—giving up the opportunity of a lifetime because of something so trivial.  giving up the chance at inspiration, growth, discovery, adventure… i literally have to remind myself of these things all the time, or i’d give up at everything i try.  trying new things is not my nature, but i do it in faith that one day, i won’t regret it.  it probably sounds stupid but that’s how i life my life on the edge.  it’s not really on “the edge,” but it’s still throwing myself into situations that are SUPER challenging for me.

meanwhile, i have to deal with a number of sleepless nights thinking about how i’m going to miss my lovely bed and sleeping within fifty square miles of everyone who knows and loves me best in the world.  it’s a frightening thought not having those things.