crab cakes with cucumber salad, lemon-pepper pappardelle with sausage, red pepper, and peas in a pesto cream sauce, tj’s $2.99 riesling (corkscrew fail…)

and i call this one: why the heck am i still single?!

p.s. thank you maggie. :) you know how to cure the ailments of the heart.

…it’s like catching lightning, the chances of finding someone like you
it’s one in a million, the chances of feeling the way we do…*

and that is how it’s done.

{empire of the sun – walking on a dream}

been tossing and turning in bed for a little bit now, so i figured i’d flip on the light and write a little bit.

i’m going to china this fall and i’m terrified.  some days i think about how fabulous it’s gonna be journaling from some cute hutong cafe where eastern and western cultures collide.  and then nights like these i imagine myself trying to combat loneliness in a sterile apartment, the only sound accompanying me being the buzzing of fluorescent lights above. some imagination, huh?  i think of these things only because i’ve lived both sides, and it can be both wonderfully exciting and downright depressing.

i shared with a few people that i’m facing my worst fear—of being alone—by going on this trip.  people are often surprised that someone who loves to travel as much as i do would struggle with this.  i mean, i don’t think people generally love being alone all the time, but i genuinely fear it.  and no, i can’t even say that i’m doing anything as noble as trying to overcome it.  the truth is that i just deal with it because i couldn’t imagine the alternative—giving up the opportunity of a lifetime because of something so trivial.  giving up the chance at inspiration, growth, discovery, adventure… i literally have to remind myself of these things all the time, or i’d give up at everything i try.  trying new things is not my nature, but i do it in faith that one day, i won’t regret it.  it probably sounds stupid but that’s how i life my life on the edge.  it’s not really on “the edge,” but it’s still throwing myself into situations that are SUPER challenging for me.

meanwhile, i have to deal with a number of sleepless nights thinking about how i’m going to miss my lovely bed and sleeping within fifty square miles of everyone who knows and loves me best in the world.  it’s a frightening thought not having those things.

okay, it’s time for a real entry.

the reason i haven’t written anything in so long is that i’m struggling to define my identity as a blogger. as i start to pursue professional photography, i’m trying to figure out whether i want to use my blog primarily as a vehicle for my business, or a place to reflect and post things that inspire me. do i want to mull over the day to day or get really personal and introspective?

i know it sounds like i’m overthinking it, but if you go out there and explore the blog world, it’s incredible. there are over 20 million bloggers in america and 452,000 of them use it as their primary source of income. i’ve seen nobodies in the wedding photography business become overnight sensations through blogs. and deservedly so–i follow them because they are amazing.

the idea that blogging is even a profession still boggles my mind. when i started my first one in ’99, there only ever was the personal blog. and i rocked it. going back and reading those entries is like rediscovering a book i used to love. i mean it really wasn’t that good, but it was honest. teenage angst gave way to inspired poetry. it still hurts to read some of that unfiltered heartbreak spilling all over the pages. and it wasn’t all sad/angry. there was humor and melancholy and pure joy too.

and i liked being in that little niche of bloggers, we were a community of girls across the world who’d never met, who owned cutesy domain names like acrossthesky.org, paperhearts.com, aprilskies.net. it was fun. but then suddenly blogging got popular, commercial, xanga-ized, and that little community died. now, blogging is a completely different ball game… there are sites out there that train you how to write for an audience, advertise, and get hits. which is wonderful. but i do miss writing for the sake of writing, for me, for the memories and the relief and for therapy.

and so i think i’m going back to it. and it’s not going to look like anything in particular; i’m just giving myself the freedom to spit on paper (or notepad.. textedit?) whatever it is that’s on my mind, that inspires me, that makes me crazy. i guess the “right audience” is gonna have to wait; at this volatile time in my life, being honest is just way too important.