goodbye to my favorite time of the year! only another 330ish days to go…

i’m still debating as i type whether or not i should post, but whatever. i need it said. written. out there, somewhere.

it’s been many, many months since i’ve known what it’s like to cry. the taste of tears, the warmth behind the eyes.. it’s foreign at first, and then i remember it all at once. nights of feeling terribly alone and mornings waking up to tear stained pillows. it hurts, and then it heals, and then happens all over again.

it is painful to know that no matter what i do, it’s never going to be enough. i feel almost like that girl in high school who bends over backwards for the person who doesnt give a crap about her. and i dont even know why i do it, except maybe that ive known these people longer than most, and maybe i havent been ready to give that up yet.

i suppose i didnt anticipate that coming “home” would ironically mean a perpetual state of not belonging anywhere. i dont know why im feeling this way at this particular instant. i guess i have been, in varying degrees, over the past months. maybe its just the realization that after college, i totally lack balanced relationships in which i’m loved as much as i love. in which theres security, and confidence that our friendship matters, and lasts.

i realize that perhaps this is something that not many people have, and maybe it’s ridiculous of me to even want it, expect it. but i’m lucky enough to have known it, and am now spoiled for life. i cant help it.

it hurts, all over.

i wish i could look out my window and see this.

(from our yosemite trip in march. lets do it again? :D)

i don’t know why, but all of a sudden i started thinking about something really random that happened in hong kong. it’s such a minor detail that i’m amused it even made its way into my permanent memory.

when i used to live in hong kong, ages and ages ago, there was this chain of restaurants called the banana leaf curry house. it seriously had the most delicious malaysian curry ever, and they gave you banana leaves as plates. i loved going to the place as a kid. naturally, when i went back to study there, it was on my list of places to go. so we go. or at least we try. the nathan road location seemed to have disappeared, and i earned quite a bit of ridicule (try leading a bunch of hungry overgrown teenagers and you’ll see what i mean). maybe a month later we try a different location. also gone. at this point it becomes a running joke that i like to lead people to places that don’t exist (thanks mostly to tony and eric). eventually i find out it’s been shut down except for one shop that’s been converted into a trendy-ish cafe, under the same name. no banana leaves though. we ate there, and it was some kind of closure for me. it was kind of funny. but still, i was sad.

goodbye.

sometimes i think this is like the story of my life. i spend so much time chasing after the things in my past that sometimes i forget that i’m living in the present. it’s a bad habit.

i’m going to be 23 soon. in high school, i never could have looked into the future and seen myself where i am today. and yet… a part of me feels like my fifteen year old self never grew up. after four years of making a home somewhere else, after a whirlwind tour of the world. after life and love and lessons learned… am i really just back where i started? still waiting at the window for the stars to come out, and wondering which ones you can see. still lying sleeplessly awake at 3am because something’s triggered the memories. and after all the wonderful, interesting people i’ve met and known and loved.. after we’ve grown up and gone our separate ways.. i still miss you.  and just when i think you’re gone, you always come back. why?

dang, it’s been three weeks since i’ve posted. i was getting pretty good too. i guess it’s one of those things where there’s so much to say that i don’t want to write anything at all, cause i’m just gonna be playing catch up.

so i’m back from travel. it’s a serious addiction. hawaii was beautiful. i rather think it might be impossible for my family to just sit in one place and relax though. instead, we spent every waking moment exploring the different landscapes; the white sand beaches of lanikai, miles of black lava in kona, lush rainforest in hilo. it’s so funny because we stayed in this all-inclusive resort, but we hardly even stayed there since we were driving all over the island. i don’t regret it though. it was the perfect island trip.

norcal was super refreshing too.. it was super relaxing and at the same time, i got to catch up with so many people.. college friends, high school friends, study abroad friends, church friends. made me feel not so horrible about my shrinking social circle, haha.

and now i’m back at home and enduring my mom’s constant gripes about how i’m jobless and unmotivated… yay. but, it’s the holidays! and everyone who knows me knows just how much i adore this time of year :D

oh, and i just finished the kite runner. i read my way well into the wee hours of dawn, it was THAT good. and i cried through the latter 3/4 of it. so if you havent already, go read it. now.